I am not drunk. I will recite the pledge.
I don't want you to recite the pledge!
Pledge alligien to america to united states of america
Plan A DEFINITELY worked... Go with me to get Plan B??
people would bow to what i just did to her vagina
I think I found my soulmate. This guy in front of me is yelling about getting laid while holding two beers and texting. I think this is love.
i need a new camera phone. my pictures from last night are as blurry as my memories. and neither tell me why i woke up in an airplane hangar.
I woke up to a text that said "You're a fucking asshole" Why is she so pissed at me?
Im guessing it has something to do with running up to her boyfriend screaming "THIS IS SPARTA" and kicking him in the balls.
Is that considered a cock block?
I already apologized. And I got cum in my eye in return, I say your night beats mine...
Come over we're drinking with orange soda as a chaser to honor 90s nick kenan and kel.
He just kept screaming "I have democratic immunity" as the cops dragged him into the car.
I just high fived you brother at the bar then immediately realized my hands smell like your vagina
Seriously, I'm making a calendar and marking off the days with little penis's
"The cab driver felt bad for us so he stopped to buy us chocolates. That counts as a valentine!"
Just got a 200 dollar safe, two jars, and a 500 pack of rubber bands.. This doesn't SCREAM drug dealer does it?
...you should fill the cart some more
WTF moment this morning: we were getting ready to leave and he reaches under his mattress to pull out his gun. All I could do was look at him and go "really?!"
I wish there was a morning after pill for dominoes.
Randomize
