I was debating whether her purse was real then I saw her puke in it.
New plan: we get a little bit drunk and go to 24 hour fitness and be eachothers wing people so we can hit on in shape hot people at a gym instead of drunk idiots at a bar.
when are you leaving homes?
it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51
I had a sex dream about Oprah.
go back to sleep
dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.
....I found a picture of what appears to be the underneath side of the barstool (taken from the floor) and to top that, 9 pictures of the ceiling. Also, did I mention there's a picture with us posing with a pregnant lady at the bar?! WELP
He's dressed as a power ranger handing out cocaine
I've smoked enough weed to put down a pony.
He sat on me and said I owed him $10, when I asked why he just said "lap dance"
Pretty good. They took the stitches out but it still hurts like a bitch. The doctor says I should be off crutches by next week.
Well, that's good. Let's hope drunk you doesn't sabotage you.
It took years to build this empire of casual fuckings and not carings.
I would not recommend douching while drunk.
It's one of the few times I hit fuck it levels of not caring
Conversations really do change when your social worker had your dick in her mouth the other night.
You ghosted you're own booty call. Wow what a sad sad man.
There are some people who should not be trusted with a cell phone while drunk. You know your one of them when you call the cops on your own party.
Drunk version of me is like a sleeping demon inside of me that awakes to the sound of vodka
Randomize
