i think i just was awoken by the sound of my roommate choking on her boyfriend's dick
Regardless, you never quit out of your interenet. You left your porn on the living room comp. Then you passed out four feet from the chair with your hand still down your pants. We decided that we should go back to her place instead. Worlds best wingman.
Nothing is worse than puking naked in front of strangers
At best buy, little boy just crawled into my stall while i was taking a shit
i was trying to find the best way to say come over and have sex, without saying it.
He said I taste like butterscotch, licked me, then I'm pretty sure he wet his pants. So no, I do not want to invite him over.
i told her she would have to blow me everytime we lost a game of beer pong, she never noticed i purposely hit our opponents in the face every other shot
He nailed 50 frozen hamburgers to the ceiling last night. Now there are flies every where.
I'm drunk in a field. the chupacobra is going to eat me. if I die serve vodka at my funeral.
Just watched my roommate stuff a sandwich in his pocket because we're out of paper plates.
Look. I've got things to do today.. Will you hurry up and come over so I can give you some head and get my day started already
Outside
Putting Chia seeds in beer makes it ok for my diet, right?
if the furniture in my bedroom wasn't shape shifting... this would be a different story.
of fours songebofy did dknt stop believing
how legible are my texts
Dude you came into the room last night soak and wet and told me you just took a shit in the shower
Randomize
