What? Cold floors are soothing when you have a hangover. How am I supposed to pass that up. Even if I'm at my parents house
and i fell asleep on top of a grilled cheese sandwich. not the best decision. but not the worst.
I came home to my brother stoned out of his mind. He got a high score on COD and asked me to have a celebration yogurt with him.
i woke up with my wallet keys and phone missing and a treasure map to find them stapled to my shirt.
haha i know
I just scrubbed chocolate off the bathtub... You better have had a damn good birthday
If you ever find a dick that big chop it off and bring it to me.
LOVE ME LIKE A KANGARO LOVES A POUCH YOU DUMB CUNT
Yeah. Let's save our goodbyes for when I'm obnoxiously and embarrassingly drunk and more than likely naked.
She's in the hospital because she tried to steal a toilet seat from an outhouse and fell off the bank. We're gonna hang the toilet seat by the pool.
I am seriously thinking about wearing a blanket as a cape. So when I pass out tonight the blanket might keep me warm.
I drew you a picture of Jesus holding hands with Frida Kahlo as a token of my gratitude
You throw up behind 1 mannequin and it's world war 3 in forever 21
My move is emasculating men with my superior intellect and it's not as charming when they can't see my huge rack.
She just kept feeding people pretzels and sayying "You're such a good goldfish."
My penis is lonely
So is my ring finger
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