I miss Bob Barker.
Yeah, more like Douche Carey...
So apparently vaginal secretions are not covered under water damage insurance for my cell phone
There's an old bald Japanese dude on the metra next to me. He's drinking MGD on a crowded train, and rocking out way too hard to what may be the same Dallas Green song I'm listening to. Life is sweet.
all i need in life is blowjobs and white cheddar cheezits
I was about to watch some really classy porn. Title was ravenous for dick. I didnt know pornstars knew ravenous was a word.
The bouncer yelled at him for poking at the guy selling roses, I think it's time to leave.
We found you naked curled up in a ball in the closet, using a gorilla suit as a blanket
Chasing shots with sriracha-covered mini toast was, in retrospect, not the best idea.
Wtf man. I knew she was bad news. No sane person cares if you eat their raviolli.
Just replaced the batteries in my vibrator without turning on the lights. I need to get laid.
Apparently we don't communicate very well unless we're drunk and/or naked
My TA is here with a sombrero and an entire bottle of Svedka. Skip jury duty.
My mom just said we can't get married in nude body suits to look like earthworms. She's ruining my life.
Tell him that his phone is taped to the dog's stomach. Stop trying to call it because it makes him scared.
I dropped my pants and she just stared until she asked how is that even possible? Best night ever lmao
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