peeing in bathroom at penn station and the homeless man next to me is combing his beard with a fork...god I love new york
You've ruined blow jobs for me. You were the motzart of sucking dick, where every other girl is like awkward elevator music
Remember when I was so high that I thought my appendix burst? All I had to do was fart man, just fart.
Omg I'm so stupid. All the peoples fb status that said "spain" I thought they were all going to spain.......
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I found out what happened to my eye. I punched myself in the face.
He broke into my apartment to check his Facebook again, the beer is all gone, and there's a new high score on pac man.
This is the only time in your life where finding a half eaten lime and pair of florescent pink underwear that wasn't yours means that it was a good night
I drank half a bottle of wine while watching the Olympics opening ceremonies. I catcalled at handsome athletes. Stop me.
I want everyone to love me, and THEN I will choose who gets to eat me out all the time.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Yea it's also hard to turn down a man asking you out with a chicken sandwich.
Why did I wake up in bed with the ironing board and a Mariah Carey mask? Vodka hates me
He was telling me how he was trying to grow up. And then 2 minutes later, he told me he was tripping on lsd for the first time.
I just got the high sucked out of me. Fuck.
In my life time, I want nothing more than to get a blow job while watching Space Jam.
I was puking for like ten minutes when I realized my parents were fucking in the shower and were afraid to come out
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