you're like the ceasar milan of boners... you understand them on a different level.
wouldve been great, if we lived in constant slow motion cause that shit lasted 30 seconds and half the time he was putting on the condom
Car fucking is for special occasions like birthdays and bank holidays. Don't want to lose the magic by making it an everyday thing.
nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
i'd fuck the guy who invented dead baby jokes.
dude i just made a burrito by wrapping 2 packs of scooby snacks with a fruit roll up. im so high
my mind is a poorly written porno when i'm drunk.
she was using bread to soak up the vodka off the floor then proceeded to eat it.
i wasn't going to tell her about the threesome but i had to explain the tree and the green paint everywhere
She had one unshaved part on her vagina that she called "the soul patch" I just didn't know what to think
Just had to masturbate in the bathroom because mom changed my room into a "knitting" room. I hate coming home.
Nah its cool some of my cousins have fucked the same girls and brought them on family vacations and everything.
Lost my anal v card with Peter Thiel's RNC speech on in the background. Unbelievably appropriate
Now we just need to figure out why your underwear was in your bra
Man it shouldn't be possible to get mad while you're stoned. I feel like ive broken one of the laws of physics
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