In all seriousness though I just found out the dog pissed in my bed it'd be nice to crash somewhere other than my couch while my piss soaked bedding is in the washer
She made me repeat after her: "I take responsibility for what I put in my own mouth."
i decided not to call her again when she started singing "goodbye my lover" as i was walking out the door..
when a 14 year old is judging you, you know you've had too much to drink
Hey! Thanks for asking, but it didnt go well. He threw up in the car on the way to dinner. Blind dates arent for everyone.
This gyro tastes like lonliness
Just checked my phone. Sometime last night I googled sex positions in a tent. Was there even a tent there?
Nicee. Atleast your phone doesn't change pen in to PENISsSSSSSSS like mine does
Can you please tell him to stop calling me ma'am? I'm starting to remember what it's like to have self respect
Woke up Christmas Eve morning with my face smelling like ballsack.. No regrets.
Our penis' have led to more networking than mark zuckerberg.
A nap. You broke your hand napping in Vegas.
Dude, you need better judgement.Trust me I know. I put my dick in the wrong mouths all the time
No. I'm sorry but once your "would go gay for" list exceeds five people, you're bi. Get over it.
I don't think tits should taste like fish.
Randomize
