Those balls look pretty dangerous.
i just identified you from a description of your pipe
Is 9am too early to be eating a mozzarella stick I found in my purse? Yeah didnt think so. The fact that it tastes like vomit is concerning but not importanta.
I apologized for the whole SWAT team incident to the roommate.
He thought my hair would soak it up. I HAD TO CUT IT OFF.
The attempted closet masturbation was unforgivable.
That was the most fucked up I've ever seen him. He had the fucking Canola Oil!
I have more sex toys than shoes - HOW AM I SINGLE?!?!?
Ladies, if you have recieved this text then you are one of the lucky few friends I have decided to make this proposal to. As you all know, my boyfriend's birthday is in two weeks and I have finally decided on the perfect present. Surprise threesome. Now, there can only be one, this isn't an orgy you know, so I will be rating the ideal candidates on bra size and sluttyness. Experiance will count, references if available. Inbox me your credentials so we can come to a...Satisfying agreement.
Opened my notebook to coke all over the pages. So, if that's any indication on how this weekend went.
I might as well walk around wearing a sandwich board and accept the fact that I'm dying single.
He left a full handprint on my ass. He called it a "five-star review."
It's scary that my vibrator is a dangerous weapon. I want a new one.
it's 1:30pm and i'm eating cheese while i sext. i need hobbies
Did I literally just offer a blowjob for help moving? Yes. Yes, I did.
First she snuck beer into the movies and then proceded to give me a handjob in the dark theatre. I think I'm in love
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