Words of wisdom-never eat a peanut-butter covered banana on a construction site ever again
It was like the Ritz Carlton of jails. I got introduced to our criminal system the right way.
I got to watch him fuck me from behind in the reflection of an ornament. so glad I decorated.
yeah, but the first step is admitting you have a problem, the next step is kidnapping him
Postcard from jail please. Reserving a spot on my fridge.
Don't upload the drink o meter to your google calendar. Somehow binge drinking looks even worse with a time stamp.
You drunk dialed me and told me to jump out of my second story window so I could give you head. I almost considered it.
Your heart is a swirling cauldron of blackness that does not pump blood but rather a sludgey mixture of evil and broken dreams.
On the upside I'm hairless from the waist down. On the downside, I just chemically burned my labia
I'll be the Broncos and you be the Seahawks and you can pound the shit out of me.
Halloween: the only night of the year wheee the more high I get, the more it compliments my makeup and outfit.
I'm putting his belongings the garage sale so he can buy his own stuff back. # divorced life. Thanks for cheating on me you tone deaf dick biscuit that'll be $20. Haha.
I'm not kidding, he literally jumped in the red panda exhibit. I knew this was gonna be a good birthday.
You're going to love the baby's room.
I doubt it. I can't have sex there anymore. That severely limits the appeal of the room to me.
kick those bitches in the teeth and tell them mama came to party
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