There's trophy wives that arent even in the 5th grade yet
I could swear I did coke with Jesus last night
He showed up to fuck me at the same time the pizza guy did. It was like everything I needed just showed up at my stoop.
Maybe before the beach I should get a tracking chip in my arm.
Concert was great. Tackled the lead singer. Met him afterwards. He was cool about it.
I need to find out this kids work schedule. I need mustache rides on my lunchbreaks.
I should have been on a postcard. I was sitting in the middle of the forest with a plate full of pot brownies and missing you.
The only difference between us and a pack of 14 year old girls is substance abuse
How about we just have a naked taco night instead?
The Australian strangers convinced me to leave him behind when they started chanting Aussie Aussie Aussie, Oy Oy Oy, and told me they had a bunch of beer at their place.
Puking in the Ritz Carlton bathroom was actually kind of a nice experience
We sexted for four hours straight. Is this really what my life has come to?
I made out with the uber driver for free weed, I thought he deserved it
He spent three years trying to get a chance with me and finally broke me down. then he came in two minutes and was so upset he locked himself in the bathroom so I helped myself to his weed and left. Wanna get stoned?
It started off with wine and ended up with me in only my pearls and heels. It was about the classiest sexual experience I've ever had.
Randomize
