girl in front of me at starbucks just ordered 7 shots of espresso in her latte. welcome to finals week
my breakfast just consisted of gushers (made with real fruit!) and they're trying to tell me im not eating right?
im just glad that if you were going to have awkward hospital sex, you would want it with me
I just had a boat ride of shame. With Senior Citizens.
They woke me up at 4 in the morning screaming "drunk adventure time!" because they needed a sober chaperone. They made me walk them around the block shoeless.
There are two types of people in this world I don't trust: people who collect stamps, and people who don't drink
Is she still in your room?
Not for long. My plan is to smoke her out like a small woodland creature.
im just laying in bed, eating, getting fat, enjoying eating and getting fat, thinking about how i will probably have to get a fat boyfriend.
I told him the only reason I'd sleep with him is if we have a threesome because I'll need moral support
I don't know how that blunt survived being in your pocket all night but you pulled it out at 4 am in 7/11 and tried to fire it up. Zero fucks given
I don't want to get pregnant doggy style. That's sad.
My condom drawer is now filled with W-2s and tax return documents. Is this adulting?
So about that you can bill me for the chair but it was David's idea to jump from the window sill into the washer with "clothing pillows of cloudiness" to land on to get ahold of him you have to phone his mother
I just talked to her she really hates you like a lot
honestly i've never been more attracted to you than when you threw up on my floor
Well I told him I’ve got the flu....he said he’d wear a condom
Randomize
