he was screaming in a recently acquired accent that he paid for delivery and they could cancel the entire order if they didn't come upstairs
I thought you said it was going to get worse not hilarious.
the delivery boy turned out to be my students mother. now she knows that i have incredibly low standards AND thanks to the fact that he still has dialup the pizza tracker was way off and she rang the bell and he answered mid bong rip.
Christmas on farmville was waaaaay better than my actual Christmas.
you just used a box of cheese-its to get into the bar
Somebody left a mini pitcher in the bathroom. Think its safe?
Fuck. The basement bathroom I've been getting head in for 6 months just went 'Out of Service'.
my head hurts. i need an adult
and not like a cool parent adult. like a full fledged party pooper grandparent adult
Dude my pants were only on for 20 minutes after she got there.
That's 30 minutes too many.
He's hot, you can get laid, and you may get free drugs. It's the trifecta of banging a drug dealer
"Fuck all you guys I'm going to be Cameltoe Spider-Man for Halloween."
Also I know you probably did not understand anything I said on the phone last night but thank you for pretending.
Idk woke up on the suite in someone else's clothing and actually broke my ankle
STOP FUCKING TELLING PEOPLE ABOUT THAT TIME THAT GUY CAME ON MY FACE WHILE I WAS ASLEEP!!!
Damn Instagram explore page. I am six months in to some girl I don't even know.
I will go to bed dreaming of sexy Olympians carting me on a throne to the beach where they feed me pizza and champaign and massage my head/wash it like the hair dresser does.
When my parents ask, do you think "he was the cop I gave head to in order to get out of a speeding ticket" will suffice as to how we met?
Randomize
