Dude?? where did you go after Wildcats last night? Last I heard you went off with one of the girls we danced with?
Negative - This is his GF, Bobby is in Jail for a DUI. Thanks for the info.
I'm not to broken up about it. Our relationship was worse than a coldplay song.
You showed the cops outside of the bar your boobs and then decided to go apologize to them. They admitted that the reason they hung out there was because of girls like you.
I'm covered in pickle juice. Why do you people leave me alone?
I woke up to you in just boxers at my door at 7a.m. with you saying how many squrriels you counted on the walk back, then you made me penis shaped pancakes
Just realized the fur coat I am wearing to the wedding is the one I had sex with the groom in
Her boyfriend was wrestling another girl. But, she said she was okay with it because she kept checking for boners--w the back of her hand like she was checking for a fever
Home. Hour long discussion with mom. Very frightened. Eating a sausage. Don't remember making it. Confused.
Whenever you feel bad about your life, just remember the time I tried to swim while high and thought for a minute I was genuinely drowning
I feel like we had some profound moment last night, but I can't really recall much past your ass turning up the volume on the radio.
Do you think the neighbors will know I was the one giving out the penis shaped lollipops to the children?
This may have to wait till tomorrow. I smoked so my back wouldn't hurt and I overshot relaxed by like 4 hits casually
I bet the guy on the treadmill next to me with the noise-canceling headphones wishes he could trade them for smell-canceling noseplugs. Hard to believe that last one did not involve any pants-shitting on my part.
If we had kids we couldn't come home, get high and watch porn together. And that's like the only reason I get up in the morning
The difference in our lives is summed up perfectly in that you woke up next to a 6'4" guy with an accent and I woke up next to an unwrapped piece of string cheese.
Randomize
