okay, this is the fifth time he asked if it was in yet. maybe i shouldn't have dated a blind guy.
On my arm I have 12 dashes, and below is written "plus 2 pretty stout whiskey drinks, so, you be the judge"
stop changing my ringtone to people fucking, it looks bad at work
She is a social worker. An actual good person trying to save the world. I feel like every time I give her an orgasm God wipes a little smudge off of my shit list.
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Just found a peacock feather in my car. Should I be the least bit concerned about this?
Will do. If it all falls thru I'm just gonna set up a sprinkler in my back yard and run thru it while taking jello shots. Perfect alternative to my 29th bday.
I need to stop getting in the car with my dad when im rolling balls. I think he's starting to notice my eyes aren't usually completely pupil
I convinced a shit ton of people I was a russian foreign exchange student to get free drinks. I knew learning those accents would come in handy.
It's really funny to see the look on the sales lady's face when she asks why you're replacing a painting. "I knocked it off the wall during sex w/ my heels," wasn't what she expected.
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Any residual attraction has just been ruthlessly murdered by that mustache.
just shotgunning some tallboys in the cooler, you?
HOW DO YOU GET RAISES EVERY TWO WEEKS?!
If I get a 4.0 I am doing SO much cocaine.
You know you have hit the best years of your life when you enlist the 5 year old to be ball boy during beer pong and pay him with candy you stole from Walgreens
Could be all of this cough syrup, but I’m ready to fuck 2018 up!
Lets just say the phase, What a dick, has a whole new meaning at the urinals.
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