I think I just saw someone hide a body.
Guess who is high enough to buy Jingle All The Way?
I was talking to this girl who was in love with the air force. I was doing decently until I mentioned that the navy actually has more planes. Cockblocked by my knowledge of random trivia again.
At some point last night Lemondrops turned into me doing shots of vodka and eating sugar packets at the bar.
you looked at her and told her she looks like the girl you lost your virginity to then told her you wanted to lose it to her again
this weekend destroyed me...my brain feels like the curly fry at the bottom of the bag. GAhhh come save me
that's ecstasy for ya. now I'm kinda in the mood for jack in the box.
The hypnotist is here. He has a black eye and smells like tequila.
He's my BOYFRIEND but he won't sext me. I'll be like, "tell me how you want to fuck me", and he's like, "I love how we can talk about our feelings". FUCK
I've been drinking vodka for the last 12 hours at the beach and can't see straight and have awesome hair.
LIFE IS #1 SOMETIMES
Bro if you don't text me back I'm gonna send you a picture of my nut sack every ten seconds for the rest of the night. I'm home alone with nothing to do. Don't push me.
I kinda took a step back after our "surprise bottles night"
I can't put those talents on a resume
You asked for 4 things: your phone, your wallet, your keys and your denture. I stopped asking questions.
Are you on your way? Get your date and black out with me. Democracy's at stake.
Did you clean my apartment?
I thought it was a dream, I'm sorry
Please stay more often
Randomize
