I just jerked it to the same porn two nights in a row... and she says I have problems with commitment...
Not only did a random toaster end up in my house last night, it's also full of skittles.
He is like the real live version of the state fair..
i took my goldfish out of his bowl last night and put him in my bed
Don't ask how, but I'm pretty sure my name is now on a lease to a taco bell franchise in maryland...
i think you broke pat's ankle when you drove over it... he's freaking out but on a more serious note i'm 99% sure i saw a werewolf
We made a drinking game out of Project Runway. Gay guys are so fun.
HE COULDN'T FIND IT! WHAT KIND OF QUARTERBACK CAN'T FIND IT?!
Heading to the gym, the one that guy said he goes to. Already checked online, his class is at 5. And no, this isn't too much after meeting him last night. Stop judging me,
Complete silence. Background Willy Wonka music. An empty back of Lay's BBQ chips. These are the ingredients for an extreme acid trip.
You might have been able to redeem yourself had you not referred to grandma as "this bitch".
That explains the hand print on my face. That old lady knows how to throw a punch.
After last night, I think I need a service animal to monitor the life choices I make when I'm inebriated. A monkey, or a clever dog. Or a really assertive parrot.
I can't adult today.
Take a nap and try again
I have to buy a couch. There's nothing more adult than buying a couch on a Tuesday.
just so it's not awkward when you get here, you and my dog have the same name.
Hahaha nice
I want to meet people. Preferably ones with penises
Randomize
