Is there a tactful way for me to ask a girl to let me know when she gets her period?
i love insurance, just had an iv with 4 bags of fluid, 2 shots of finagrin and a 2 hour nap . woke up without a hangover. all for $20
Don't bite the hand that gives you multiple orgasms
I made a mac n' cheesicle. Better in my head than in real life. Gonna keep smoking to see if it gets better.
Would you feed me pudding while my fake tan dries?
So the night ended when we tried making fireworks out of gunpowder and oregano. You can figure out how that went.
You puked on my feet last night. You owe me a pedicure.
Thank you for deleting me from Instagram. Also, I'm carrying your child. Happy new year!
I've had 5 hours of sleep and I still smell like sex with the Colonel. I don't appreciate spontaneity.
EXCEPT MY COUSIN SAW MY SEX TAPE!
Eh, I don't question what my penis likes. It just does what it does.
Currently having to re-watch episodes of Lost that I've only partially seen because you distracted me with your vagina
He literally ejaculated and I hit Uber
Got so drunk I broke my sink in half. Not. Lying.
Do thigh high boots and a ball gag count as a costume?
Randomize
