he started yelling "this is my pussy" mid thrust
I wish we could go back in time and find our best farts ever
I think she just tried to waterboard me with her vagina.
He said "I know I'm not gay. I fucked a guy once and didn't like it"
I think I have internal bruising from those poses we were doing last night. My own ribs hurt me. I don't understand.
Crashed the mayor's bday party, no list for some reason. Wore suits. Ludacris was there.
We're trying to see who can drink the most and still be eligible to donate blood tomorrow.
I haven't found him passed out in the living room covered in noodles for a while now so I guess he's getting better with the drinking.
I think i just threw up blood. i can't chill right now;
Is it too forward to say "stop being a good friend and start being a good fuck buddy"
Beer and tomahawks! Not gonna end well!
This girl looks like an elf and is obviously on coke. I want to be her.
Do you hit a new low in life when you have to carry around a puke bag in your purse when you're hungover?
Well, after a pitcher of beer, I set my ex on fire. It was a little fire, he's fine. How's your night?
Three cans of beer can fit in the shower catty... multi tasking
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