Cold hands, warm shart.
i'm out of smokes so i just had an after sex popsicle. this might become an addiction.
who are you and why are you in my phone as dr. seuss
Deffinety need to stop having sex on the beach just took a dump and it was mostly sand
As we walked into his room, he said welcome to the hurt locker. I should have left, but I love that movie.
got my wristband ripped off, was told i can only be served water. please find me, i'll be running through the fountain
I was dressed in monkey onesie serving people vodka jelly with a spoon...
he just gave me a love letter in polish. he thinks i speak polish. I DONT SPEAK POLISH
Wait.....I ate a raw potato lastnight.
She made me walk a straight line to prove i was sober enough to help carry you to the car
Knowing you it was perfect out of spite. Like. A line straighter than YOU
he didn't stitch me up last time. in fact, he yelled at me for bleeding.
I smell like Dick and happiness
I realize that my conversation topics seem to only be about bees and my cross dressing fiance. Thank you for being my friend.
Yes. I had to slow down my handjob so he would last...-and I give shitty handjobs to begin with
Honestly, this social distancing bullshit is giving me a good excuse for drinking alone.
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