By the way the fattest man alive got married yesterday and I don't even have a boyfriend.
DUDE. I'm missing my big toenail. My bed has blood all over it. WHAT DID WE DO LAST NIGHT?
I don't know, but I chipped my tooth and I'm wearing different underwear.
I feel like i'm in "To Catch a Predator - The Musical"
Note to all middle aged "I totally let myself go after childbirth" frumpy mothers: I do not dress this way for your husbands. Stop looking at me like that. It's not my fault.
The paper boy just woke me up in the front yard again.
don't be alarmed if you come back and i'm passed out drunk and naked cuddling with the franzia.
Gees I domt know what your deal was. You kept looking at Nick and shaking your head frantically and doing a weird motion with your hands
Tgat was the small dick alert
oh wow I have been there. Hell one time Matt and I woke up naked with pizza rolls in the bed.
he knocked a glass of water onto my bed and then said that he should get to sleep on the dry side because he was "a guest"
What's the standard Christmas present for six months of booty calls?
Mobile recharge?
I fell in the river last night. The allegheny to be exact. Omg getting drunk at work gatherings is dangerous
Trying to Jedi mind trick myself into not throwing up. This is not the esophagus you are looking for.
Most drunken moment of the night is me pouring Chanel no. 5 all over your boobs and rubbing it in...
I just know what's gonna happen. I mean. I shaved my legs up to shorts length. But I'm leaving the rest as a sort of makeshift caution tape.
everytime he speaks i want to fuck him less. i just wanna tell him to shut up and take his pants off and we could both be happy.
Randomize
