onenightstand. Woke up and saw my nuva ring on the floor. apparently he thought it was a glow stick. pick me up please?
he didnt ask why there was a glowstick shoved up your vag?
Let's create a 16 and pregnant drinking game
We've been friends for six months, when do my benefits kick in?
New rule : you aren't allowed anything . Ever .
doing an easter egg hunt in a liquor store right now. i feel so adult
Honestly I think at this point I purposefully schedule nothing on Sundays anymore so I can spend all day wallowing in my shame.
I just almost said to a customer "P as in Pussy"
Don't they also have a lot of serious head injuries?
I didn't say I wanted to marry one of them. Or that I want one to perform surgery on me. I just want to have hot, dirty, MMA style sex.
I went to the obgyn with chipped nail polish.. Somewhere Beyonce was looking down, shaking her head, whispering "Not fierce."
Also I'm so used to having sex with river guides that when he pulled out a condom I was actually surprised
Awk moment when I forgot to tell my hookup about visitor parking so he got towed
Whoever was doing lines off my iPad is a dick. Also bring Gatorade, for I hunger
For Who flesh?
Adderal can only make me focus so much. Your ass is stronger than my medicine. Congratulations.
i guess i fuck people who own bucket hats so i can't talk shit
We have ur drink. Mom passed out in the bathroom. I'm goin to the other bathroom. Bs at the top of the stairs on way outside.
Randomize
