When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
there are definitely too many half naked pictures of me out there for me to ever be famous.
quadriplegic porn is always funny
no. no its not
My 40 year old neighbors are throwing a party for their eight year old niece's birthday. It's 1am and they're still partying hard. Harder than me. It's Saturday. Just say it, I'm a disgrace to the generation.
I'm cooking a can of baked beans on the baseboard heater. It is too early in the semester to be this poor.
Its a bummer that corporate america doesn't believe in $2 u call its on a Sunday night
............HELP Ive been abducted by vodka and its poisoning my brain fat chicks are getting cute and i slept with my sisters friend who slightly resembles john kerry....,,help
So your best guy friend eats your pussy once and a while, no big deal. It's like going to jiffy lube once and a while to let the professionals do it. Your husband should understand .
Watching the dude who probably knocked me up be all cute with his girlfriend on my couch. I am too nice, and I hate today.
Please tell me how the stripper got back to Sarah's from the trailer park
I can't believe you won 5 grand from the casio last night and spent more than 80% on tacobell and strippers already
So red wine goes with eggs, right? Because that's all I have in the house to cook and the drinking options are either wine or scotch
And what in gods fuck were you drinking. It tasted like windex with a mixture of juce
Shut up. You had me at killer robots. Your place or mine?
And you know what the worst part is? Because of him I can now relate to a goddamn Taylor Swift song. FUCK. MY. LIFE.
Randomize
