I woke up this morning to 4 booty call texts. So i am trying to find the sign that says i like to sit on cocks so that i can take it off.
trust me, i wonder where that sign is on a daily basis.
i guess i finally out drove tiger woods this morning..
Gross thing of the day...i got cum in my new boots
I'm at a free clinic. Feel like I should cough or sneeze so it's not blatantly obvious I'm getting checked for STI's.
Well today was Thanksgiving Anti-Miracle Daydrinkathon so I had to be drunk by 2pm
Pre-crushing the pills for tomorrow morning. This way I can sleep in an extra 10 minutes.
You'd be so proud. I have the flu/sore throat, so I've tied a scarf around my head and I'm microwaving jagerbombs. Let it never be said I'm not commited.
I'm lonelier than Tom Hanks in Cast Away, right meow. Ready to make this bong my Wilson.
Strip beer pong in the front yard? Of course the cops showed up
When a chinchilla decides to sit on your face while you're getting head from its owner, you bond.
I poured everyones drinks into the ice bucket and then stuck my face in it. Apparently I'm a greedy drunk.
All inclusive resorts are actually just places that livers go to die.
that bad?
u-n-l-i-m-i-t-e-d. f-r-e-e. t-e-q-u-i-l-a.
So, this year for my birthday, want to get rip-roaring schmammered and watch my episode of my super sweet 16? We can do lines off my tiara.
Congratulations, you've begun to unfuck your life.
You waddled all the way home with your shoes in a construction cone. I'm glad to call you my Bestfriend.
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