if i were reduced to my simplest elements, i would be jizz and glitter.
We just found a handle of vodka in our fridge and no one knows how it got there. God I love spring break.
Like that girl needs to get her shit together. For her vagina's sake.
you're a mystery wrapped in an enigma. wrapped inside a burrito.
Boxed wine mondays was one of our finer ideas
My reasons for going are selfish. She just opened her own law firm. I figure having a lawyer as a friend is a good idea. Nothing in my life suggests I won't need a lawyer again.
Just consider it? What else do you have going on today that could be as awesome as a day full of lord of the rings and sex?
My black heart of coal cannot compete with your boiling crock pot of teddy bears, rainbows, 90s music, and the good candy you get from rich people on Halloween.
blowjobs from left handed girls are noticably better than from righties. these are the most important things I've learned this semester
You should be glad you didn't come with last night. I watched pirate porn for the first time in my life as the 9th wheel.
Not too bad but came home early cuz business was shut down due to an employee sexually harrassing the inspector
I'm just to the point my give a fucks is so far in the red that I'm going to have to take out a 30yr loan of fucks to repay it
Moms love me. I'm the reminder that they need to turn safe search on.
I woke up and found my apartment really clean, appearantly drunk me couldn't tolerate living there anymore and left sober me a lot of insulting post-its...
It was sweet, he carried me out of my bathroom after I passed out, built me a pillow fort so I wouldn't roll out of bed, set a glass of water on the table, and brought me a mixing bowl to puke in. Totally a sign we're more than just fuckbuddies.
Randomize
