I think your x's eyes are broken his new girl is so hit
this ugly chick literally cried last night because i wouldnt let her give me head
This is the 4 year anniversary of the last time I shit my pants. Let's get drunk...
Dude someone is playing the piano in the other room while I shit and it's making it really peaceful
I'm drinking whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
Legitimately semi-blackout across the table from the governor off a chardonnay i can't even pronounce.
He kept spanking me and talking about biomedical science.
Aw, you fucked a pre-med? you're moving up in the world!
Getting arrested together sounded so much more fun in theory.
My "Week Of Not Checking Into OK Cupid So I Don't Hook Up With Another Fat Chick" lasted four hours. On the plus side, she was the smallest one yet.
I feel like everyone would be happy with that as a present too. "Oh you got me pussy for Christmas?! How'd you know?!"
No, listening to the fray and drinking a bottle of jack daniels does not count as counseling
You offered me some of your "Jungle Juice." It was just 151 and Absinthe. I don't know how you are still alive.
I just want dates and sex but the option to have that with whoever whenever I want
Also, sex on a first date is no, right? Really, I just don't want to clean my apartment, but I'm trying to hide behind "morals" in an effort to appear less lazy.
I guess the weekly d&d orgies are treating you well
Randomize
