They totally botched my boob job. My tits look like they're are winking.
I swear coke makes your nose hairs grow out of control
remember that time that crown gas station wouldn't sell us a lighter so we had to use matches and birthday candles to smoke with a toilet paper roll? sometimes i miss high school
well right now he's telling us a story how he befriended a racoon
You put your shot glass in your waistband and then told me how convinent it was.
Too many sundays start with me waking up still drunk in my car.
Speaking of roommates, Kelsey and I woke up to urine in our trash can. Neither one of us is willing to admit to it so we've come to the conclusion that someone snuck into our room in the middle of the night
Better than last year. I didn't wake up to an after thanksgiving human shit on my living room floor. I think it's a sign I'm growing up at almost 30.
I need like a hormone stopper. Or a chastity belt. Or like a lady business alarm that goes off when I'm being too drunk.
I woke up naked except for someone else's socks. Im so proud
Apparently I filled my purse with chicken nuggets and told my mom I was a "sexual squirrel."
IS NO AN EMOTION BECAUSE THAT'S WHAT I'M FEELING RIGHT NOW
We are horrible
Yeah but we're also awesome
I just smoked weed out of a tomahawk, then chased an armadillo with said tomahawk, I love my life.
He's so drunk that he's ignoring me and just doing what my cat does.
Oh god he's trying to eat cat food... I don't know if I should stop him or continue laughing....
Randomize
