Why does lindsey know I was naked in the kitchen?
I love how you send me nude pics of girls you're fucking and name them by which city they're in instead of their name. "This is Nashville, this is Tupelo, this is Jackson..."
Putting the hydrocodone in Pez dispensers. Do you want Speedy Gonzales or Darth Vader?
You just kept saying "they don't make cigarettes for squirrels. Yet."
He's almost as awesome as vicodin.
Can i tell him you said that? Cuz i know that means a lot coming from you
He whinnies like a horse when he's cumming. I wish I would have known this before we got into a relationship.
I'm a little upset you wasted 3 beers on your wet tee shirt contest.
This hangover is so bad, we are pregaming Chinese food with pizza.
If she wants experimental lesbian sex, i call dibs
im sleeping with a therapist...so you can talk to me.
Hahaha idk what's worse your life or my hangover.
She called to say the cops were not fake cops. some one has to go get her in an hour
PS there is a naked boy in my bed and I just left for the bar...
I'm hiding in my office refusing to turn the light on holding puke down stealing and shoveling down the meeting snacks and regretting my poor life choices. goldfish crackers are like crack to me right now. how is your day?
Put on my pants to go to work and discovered they had melted.
Randomize