put your party hat on. and by party hat I mean no panties
plans for tonight: dress up like pirates, drink a bottle of mad dog and watch the sorostitues across the street get naked. and yes, the mad dog part is already in play. hurry the fuck up. i look like a loser doing this alone.
Alex, there's no such thing as a fancy sex store.
So i wrote 'don't sex me' on my stomach, so that if we got to a point where my shirt is off - he would know how i really feel, not just the alcohol talking
how did that work out?
Well, all the water washed it off, so we ended up fucking since i didn't have my reminder...
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I've come to realize that after waking up this morning for work no one wins in bar dice.
I'm sorry for peeing on your door. But it was your decision to open it.
well someone pooped in the lint basket in the laundry room last night, but none of us will admit to it so we're all just secretly judging each other and doubting ourselves.
There are 144 bottles of wine in my mother's pantry. She just shrugged her shoulders and said it was for the wine pong tournament on Christmas Day.
I cannot FaceTime with your penis
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The cop actually kicked the bitches out of the cab so we could get ours. I flipped them all off as the door was shutting. That drunk.
i'm about to be the still-drunkest person on the ellipticals
I almost spit out my drink. But only almost, because it was vodka. And you don't spit out vodka.
I remember him going "OH SHIT" when he saw you straddling me on the table. And it was like the best feeling ever.
Just so you know sleeping with you is like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
That's the most romantic thing I've ever heard
My sister and her gf showed up at my door with no pants on at 4 AM talking claiming its hot.
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