Just ordered a clown who does balloon animals. No backing out now.
I think he thought he was a gentleman because he bought me the most expensive plan b at cvs
You bit the bartender when he refused to poor rum in your purse and hand you a straw.
Your a horrible friend, i only tried to do the right thing by moving you off the floor.. that was not an invitation to puke all over my bed and attempt to use my dog to mop it up.
Two dudes. Loud music. Dancing shirtless possibly naked. Why would I ever need cable?!
Strip club for my birthday. And none of this discrimination shit. We're going to a guys one and girls one. Go get your singles.
You're the Michael Phelps of my vagina. Most decorated Fuckolympian of all time.
Am I going to be on condom boxes?
Girl at work pointed out that the blood vessels around my eyes were all popped and I smell like puke
She literally just changed his birthday. Overly attached girlfriend has nothing on her.
I used my tears to chase my tequila. You could say I rallied.
this night just went from meh to biblical thanks to drunk naked yahtzee
He told me I have nice nipples. You can't just tell someone that and then leave the state!
She dumped me and then asked if I wanted to come to her improv show. Fuck theatre majors, man.
After dropping your phone on the ground you got down and sat with it, kissed it and apologized for being so mean
i don't care if you are my best friend. does not give you the right to describe how well my sister gives blowjobs.
how about your cousin?
Randomize
