the only reason he called me tonight was because I fertilized his crops on farmville.
Is a box of franzia too insincere of a gift for "i'm sorry I backed into your toddler with my car"?
New scientific discovery: The hypothetical attractiveness of a woman increases exponentially as her skirt:boot ratio approaches zero. Nobel Prize in my future?
85% positive I just found a hair of a certain variety wayyy in the back of my mouth between two teeth while flossing.
She carries her pencils in a crown royal bag... Need I say more?
that was you who tried to jump in front of my car in the monkey suit wasnt it
I think I just found part of a tooth on my bed... What goes on in here?
I shouldn't have to say "get your balls off my counter" on a Wednesday.
I literally told her "she's a sandwich I'd like to make" and that's all it took
Kinda forgot to grab tampons. Mind if I run to my house to get one? I'd rather not turn my green skinny jeans Christmas colors
How high is the bridge and how deep is the water and what are the chances I will get arrested
You turn 21 at midnight!
This is better than being born!!
I just got called the stable friend. This makes me super uncomfortable
It's shark week go big or go home
Just took an Adderall with Pedialyte so I think that's a valid answer to "how are you doing"
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