If I die tonight, I want you to know that your sister is awesome in bed
He's sitting on the floor holding his bracket and crying, literally crying... he just keeps saying "Kansas how could you?" over and over
If I had KNOWN you and mom were coming to visit, I wouldn't have passed out in the frat. This is why I hate surprises.
that trick or treat candy bucket that we used to collect beer money last night was very helpful when I vomited in it this morning
Ed's in which sucks about a thousand cocks... But thats 1800 less than working with Alex so it's gonna be a good day
After your flask fell out of your leg brace and you told your RA that it was juice, you tried to unlock your dorm room but your key was attached to your bra so he ended up seeing your boobs
Remember when we partied so hard that dude died and it cockblocked you hooking up with my sister?
I forgot that happened. That's the second dude that died on a vacation I've been on
seriously, who doesn't want to get shitfaced and have sex to the backstreet boys?
That makes 14 Xmas cards already! Middle aged people are really nice to their dealers.
And anyway at least being paid in opium makes a cool story
Last night's dream consisted of you, me, a sauce pan full of cocaine and light sabers. I almost cried when I woke up.
he threw his shirt and suit jacket out the window of the uber going home
I think I may be going on too many job interviews. I've started to bring up Shonda Rhimes in my interview answers.
If we had a dog do you think we would be less hoe-y?
Nah
I want to strut with the confidence of a pigeon.
Randomize
