She's sitting on the couch buck naked, eating a cupcake for dinner. I'm breaking new ground as a parent here.
Just got a message from a guy on a dating site who says he helped me remove lime pulp from my eye in a club toilet 2 weeks ago.
I always have trouble explaining my life decisions to people over the age of 30.
Well it looked like you were having a fucking apiphany sitting at the toilet with a t shirt around your head
We make out exclusively when we're drunk. That's like a relationship for me, right?
Woke up naked next to Alex and he was braiding my hair and then commented on how healthy my hair was. I don't even know anymore..
on my way to nyc to take a survey about my sexual activity. if you dont hear from me for a few days, assume they had me committed...
Please stop using me as a reference for bail bondsmen.
Instead of a fine and a few hours in jail he chose to get tasered, break his neck and shit his pants
I got hella high today and freaked out about life and interest rates
It's taking every bit of my restraint not to go to the store and buy chips and cake and like steal someone's dog. PMS is so weird.
Okay I'm officially a Texan now, I banged a dude with cowboy boots
Also I just had a pointless meeting and the only thing I accomplished were my kegals
look, im sorry that i yelled at your little brother, threw my car keys at him and smashed a stale cookie with a pool cue, but i swear to god i didn't poop on the floor. it was one of your dogs.
i'm the most scandalous girl at stop and shop. i kinda have to fuck him in the meat cooler.
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