We were making out in the bushes when some dude comes and starts peeing beside us.
I'd love to come and give you a massage, but we already duck taped my keys to the ceiling...
I'm sitting in front of the mirror eating cereal and pondering how my boobs got so big
Welcome to my life
Chasing a shot of svedka with a clementine is NOT the same as tequila w lime...
that wasn't rum that I poured down your throat while you were sleeping
Chicken strips. I got my nose broken because of Chicken strips.
Don't worry. I told him just because you've gargled some balls in the past doesn't mean you'll be handling his.
I really wanted that to be shared. Thank you.
Also when i was high i would close my eyes and see a puppy on a grill having pancake batter poured on it.... And for whatever reason it was fucking hilarious.
I'm the only one who goes to a bar and leaves with an extra twenty bucks and a pumpkin.
Yea no bueno and I only brought enough weed to last one night. And it was no Hanukah nug, it didn't last 8 days.
I had to steal sneakers from my man of the night. I dipped. But then realized I left my purse in his house. So I had to stash the shoes in some bushes and wait for him on the stoop. Then after he watches me leave, I run back and get the shoes cuz I didn't wanna be taking my hour long journey home through London at 3 pm in my six inch wedges and club dress
Where the hell did you pick this girl up? She just licked my cat and stole our last poptart.
I didn't see her "bad karma" tattoo until after I was balls deep
I just realized it's officially fall..I had sex while watching Halloween
I think my brain is throwing up inside my head. How do you live like this?
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