Let's go free Charlie Sheen and party with him
I feel like I need to get rid of the black eyeliner, glitter, and tequila breath before I to that world poverty conference..
You were Q-tipping mashed potatoes out of your ear.
You called him your tasty little crouton. Which actually wasn't the weirdest part.
His sombrero wouldn't fit in the car and I had to buy him some Jack to make him stop bitching. You owe me
the coastal evacuation route ends at my vagina so you can just skip the bullshit and come over
Drunk puking in my bathtub has plugged it up for the third time this year. I hate these calls to my landlord.
Just showered now I smell like berries instead of shame
Saw the same Luigi I hooked up with last Halloween. Still in his same Luigi costume and scruff that hurt my face
Come help me clean and have sexual intercourse with me
Bring breadsticks
My farts smell like burning tires and false courage
woke up and you werent here...its ok if we're never going to speak again but my furry hand cuffs are missing and i would like them back. thanks.
being broke is really keeping my alcoholism in check
I’m torn. She’s crazy - like legitimately “Wear your skin as a suit” crazy. But her blow jobs and dirty talk are Pornhub quality!
Best single mom victory - getting eaten out in my dodge caravan in the hospital parkade at midnight.Three words: screaming multiple orgasms.
Randomize
