i blacked out hard core.. it was bad peeeed muh bed
why is it that everyone in pennsylvannia gets fucking prego??
you know you made it when your beer pong table is made from imported italian hardwood
There's nothing like puking in the airport on the way TO Vegas. Something tells me i pregamed a little too hard.
its totally unfair that im just as ill-prepared as a 16 year old but there's no tv show for 25 and pregnant.
I woke up next to her will a oven mit taped to my cock. Dear god, I might have tried to use it as a condom.
A homeless man walked up to me at the bar, pointed, and told me to get my shit together. Jesus?
Roommate is eating a chimichanga, watching Dr Doolittle 2 and weeping. His Tuesday hangovers make me feel better about my life.
I got 87 likes on my changed relationship status. It's official. I'm way more fucking awesome single.
They're mostly guys
Early bird gets the worm.
Sometimes the gods of alcohol choose to take you on a mysterious journey and you just have to go with it
Some guy was coming onto me last night and in the middle of it all he said: 'It literally says this on my birth certificate: Francis Coburt: The Guy Who Can Pull Two Beers Outta His Pants Like Magic.'
She said it was unconventional for me to yell "Shazam!!" when I came inside her.
I know this sounds fake but she's deep frying a bar of soap right now
Come fucking get her
Why is this not the first time I’ve seen the mugshot of someone I’ve slept with
I just timed my pee with a stop watch. From when the main stream started to ended. It was 45.1 seconds. This is the truth trust me.
Randomize
