Well the candle wax mightve been sexy if he didn't drop the candle and light half my bed on fire
seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
i just woke up naked on my porch, holding the neighbors cat in my arms.
You had me at "you have a nicer rack then her"
I think the main reason you were throwing up so much was the quart of soap you chugged trying to burp bubbles. you came close
I am now trying to reassure her that she doesn't have a wide-set vagina. So thanks, for whatever you said.
my post shower fart this morning sounded like hulk ripping through a phonebook
You're married and I'm going to make out with a stranger tonight. Isn't that weird? It's like a gap in the time space continium.
I told her I was going to sleep early last night. I probably should not have sent that snapchat of us playing beer pong.
He kept telling me that it stood for Sex Utility Vehicle
Slept with the roommate last night and also discovered that she believes in eugenics. I may need to slow down my drinking
Like I didn't gracefully walk into these feelings. No, I fucking stumbled and fell face fucking first.
OH MY GOD YOU GUYS I JUST FOUND OUT I HAD PHONE SEX THE OTHER NIGHT
she prefaced telling me she was pregnant with "houston, we have a problem"
I think I'm more excited for Santa to come now that I made a drinking game out of it
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