After they won there was a guy outside Magee Hospital yelling "name your kid Sidney"... that guy may or may not have been me.
What can i say im a girl who smells like weiners.
In hindsight, trust falling your grandma was a bad idea. Sorry about that.
he told me he didn't know whether he was gonna puke, pass out, or cum. i don't know if i should be flattered or offended.
Is it a good time to tell him he's getting too clingy if he sent me a picture of my name spelled with Cheerios?
I was giving this guy head and he stopped me to look me in the eyes and say "you have a gift"
So this 40 year old woman was trying to bring me into the bathroom to blow me and the bartender called the cops on her because she was showing her tits. Only in asbury.
Me and two guys that I made Eskimo bros all soberly slept together in my bed
You asked me if I was judging you for being drunk, and if I can hypnotize you make sober.
The alcohol tastes like we did a beer run at the nail salon
She said she is going to be sex-slave version of Princess Leia for halloween. You think there is any way I could pull off an attractive Jabba suit?
The appetizer at the dinner I went to tonight was Klonopin and a Bloody Mary.
Don't get into any trouble on your trip
The only foreseeable trouble would be pregnancy, but I gotta be sterile otherwise I'm beating some pretty fucking incredible odds
Never. No amount of alcohol could convince my brain and eye sight that it is okay to fuck him. I'd rather fuck my cousin.
About that photo of the cake you just sent. You do realize it’s on a glass table, right? We can all see your reflection in it, and you’re very obviously naked.
Randomize
