He disabled his match.com account in front of me
I had a talk with my mom about respecting myself and not acting like a whore so she will rip my nose ring out if she somehow sees that picture
Had to use Google translator to be able to tell the cleaning lady not to throw away the condoms we have strategically placed throughout the house.
dude skip the party. it is a fucking post office here
what the hell does that mean?
nothing good but a whole lotta male and packages
We are possibly on our way, unless we see the limo full of strippers.
Uh, do you remember who's thong is in my tree?
He just keeps repeating "this isn't my bagel".. i'm worried for his safety
He just texted me asking if I remember pinching his eyelid shut with my eyelash curler.
I forgot if I was chewing my gum or my tongue
Sex-sore abs and my workout pants have gravel stains on the knees. It's like the workout of shame.
We had him convinced Visine is flammable. He was genuinely freaked out that everyone would know when he was stoned.
I'm cutting her off I can't have my good name soiled with these kinds of shenanigans
Shit is preposterous
Seriously, fuck work.
uh yea I'm curled up in the trunk of my car
Vasectomy results are in. No swimmers in the water. REPEAT. No swimmers in the water. Come help me harness my new found super-power
He fucked me so hard my hair extensions fell out
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