Just saw a man being put through a dui test on the side of the road... it was noon and he was on a bicycle. God bless texas.
I forgot to mention I threw up in my wine glass AND my neighbors empty cup.
Did she have bad breath? Bad breath makes you think of all the bad things in the world
just got super drunk mixing jägermeister with my lyme disease meds. even if my face goes paralyzed, at least i got smashed from it.
I can hear the condescending tone from the atm when it asks if $3 is all I would like to deposit
so according the 72 facebook statuses i put up last night that i don't recall, i would say it was a success. how about you?
Who is this?
You offered to lift up your dress at the bar so I could see your lower back tattoo
Um, I think that was a general offer to everyone. So...who IS this?
I have a scary feeling my mom might switch her goals from finding me a husband in 2012 to sending me to rehab
You asked her to play "the coma game" with you while hooking up, and then passed out in her bed. She couldn't wake you up so she slept on the floor.
Looks like I won that one
I figure that my generation of my family needs an alcoholic. I'll take that burden.
He's super sweet. I feel like I'm dating Elmo. If Elmo had a 7 incher
My rule for unemployment is that I can't smoke before noon.
I haven't gotten up before 1 though, so it hasn't really impacted me.
thankfully we both ride of shamed home together on razor scooters in dresses because we stopped for breakfast sandwiches too
Dude at the bar last night came into the bathroom, drop kicked the stall open and start saying lines from happy Gilmore as he was shitting, "go in your home! Are you too good for your home?!"
I got off F O U R times, just because he wanted to hear me moan. He is my hero.
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