my room smells like sperm. sweet.
i just google imaged poop.
Imagine if sharks could walk on land...scary.
I just egged your windshield and it froze on contact. Have fun with that.
This chick just checked into her walk of shame on Foursquare... I think I'm in love.
just drew up plans to mow my front lawn into the American flag for world cup. that high and patriotic.
I'm naked in the window of the hotel and I feel like I'm walking in slow motion like a robot
No it's ok. I made friends with the guy that always wears helmets to the bar. His name is helmet Harry
Dude he was freaking out because he thought he was walking on crates, and he just kept saying help me
At least I can pee in a cup like a champ at this point
They invited me day drinking but brought their kids. 3 two year olds and 1 11 month old. I was asked to change a diaper, I laughed and took another drink of this margarita. I LIKE CHANEL AND TEQUILA NOT CHILDREN. Can we make new friends?
N I'm drinking this invention I call "do-it-fluid" I had a bottle of vodka that was 3/4th empty, so I put in 1/4th rum, 1/4th tequila, 1/4th whisky... it's definitely the worst idea ever..
she pretty much pinned my hand to her boob "on accident" for like 10 seconds before she moved. Waiting the rest of the night was just a formality.
It's a little weird that I'm blowing my wingman.
He was watching porn and riding a stationary bike in the living room
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