it was 5AM and you were field goal kicking solo cups into the sink
Just lit a joint with steel wool and a 9 volt battery... thank you 3rd grade science class
I vomitted in the hotel where they film gossip girl last night. Everywhere.
I just had a heart to heart with a stripper I'm becoming a dentist.
I thinking of taking all of the pics of his dick that he's sent me and making a calendar.
A DRUNK EMT IS BETTER THAN NO EMT!!!
2 men making out for 2 seconds to trick a cop so they don't get arrested for being pulled over rolling a blunt is not gay.
Every time you visit for the weekend I end up having to bleach my entire house after.
Dude. Steinbecking. It's when you double-fist coffee and alcohol to help you meet a writing deadline.
jusy threw up in the airport bathroom. I am no longer thankful for fireball.
So my ex vomited in front of my door and passed out there
OK... But I need to shower first because I'm covered in stuff I definitely shouldn't have slept in
The tequila monkeys have a drum solo in my skull right now. I can't imagine Emily feels better.
If my dildo had feelings, they. Would've deffinately been hurt. He put that toy to shame..
I texted him: “Come over for the Super Bowl. I promise lots of scoring.”
My divorce is turning into a porn script
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