how can you tell if its a queef or a fart from that close?
Changed my sheets. Found a can of rockstar, crushed bag of tostitos, used tissues, and enough of both of our clothes to make a whole outfit.
gave you a haircut while you slept. Please don't kill me.
We tried to make a sex tape, but we were hammered and she forgot to take the cap off the camera. Somebody starts snoring 10 minutes in.
What's the rule on cocaine before dinner?
Its 11 o'clock somewhere
Why isn't there a sort by hair color option on Facebook? It would make stalking much easier.
Wow. A quad shot of peppermint schnapps. I feel like I just deep throated a candy cane. Best 21st ever.
We're having a serious conversation and I just responded to something he said with an emoticon. I am so baked.
The Deck is crawling with Cougars. Sound the irresponsibility alarm and come drink with me on a Tuesday night.
The less money I spend on drugs, the happier my mom will be.
I suppose I should wish you a happy one year of bumping uglies
It's only slutty if you don't have his number. Unless there's a full moon. Then anything goes.
Wake up. Finish House of Cards. Put on pants.
Accurate.
What's rude is him not accepting my blowjob offer. What kind of guy denies that.
Steven and I talked about running for office again today. It's fucked that my 3 dream jobs are marijuana bakery owner, bar owner, and president.
Randomize
