Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
Threw my underwear in my purse as I was running away after sex last night, went to pick up my birth control prescription this morning, took out my wallet and accidentally flung my sweet thong onto the counter in front of the cashier. Think that was the universes way of telling me I am a whore.
I'm pretty sure I have jizz on the back of the dress I wore to church. Awesome.
I wish Michael J Fox could read me bedtime stories
He could rock you to sleep
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'm lit.While shaving my legs I pretended the razor was a tractor cutting down corn. Noises included.
your friend did not want a bj. we need to leave. this is very awkward.
Yeah but he's impersonating a gargoyle jumping off of everything. Including the walls.
So getting a bj to I believe I can fly is one of the greatest things ever
If you come home soon there's a stripper in the shower. Don't be alarmed
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
If you do that, i will make all sorts of uncomfortable comments about my nipples being soft
Good morning love! Friendly reminder that we decided to make leggings with a vagina zipper. "For the winter quickie"
Note to self: trying to grow pubes back = worst decision of 2014 thus far
Tbh I fell asleep cuddling a bag of Brazilian nuts. Franzia never dissappoints me
Never remove your contact lenses after eating an entire bag of spicy doritos.
Emergency. I brought a boy home and we fell asleep, but I just woke up to him peeing against my bedroom wall. So I brought him to the bathroom but he fell over and he's sleeping in the tub. Can I leave him there? Because that's what I've done.
Better the hardwood than the carpet, right?
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