oh my god I didn't know your sister was this good at french kissing
At any point in time, have you stopped and thought "I wonder how high Willie Nelson is right now?
My mom is making me buy a single zucchini, I look like someone who can't afford a dildo
Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
you probably have like 11 voicemails from us, one is us singing my heart will go on while were fucking
Just got tipped $5 for distracting some dude's gf while he got another girl's number. Bro-code at its finest.
My neighbor just watched me eat a granola bar without pants, this is a whole new level of unemployed
I respect you for how well you shave your vagina. It isn't easy and my dick faces out, not in.
thank you for extending my knowledge of the effects of vodka. speak of what happened last night and i will kill you and send your fingers to your loved ones.
She said she forgot something.. and when she came out she was carrying a garden gnome, and a bottle of vodka. she was too hot to question it.
Have you ever just like not slept in so long that everything looks like a lava lamp?
And then god smiled down upon me and he said let there be hangover food and let it be Wendy's
I finally figured out how to tighten my bra straps and I feel like a god
That's how pantless uber rides happen
The taste of regret at 8am, yup that taste is Jack Daniel's
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