i know they say sex burns calories but i think i actually gained weight from just lying there for the whole 2 minutes
She does have a great personality.
Yeah, in her vagina.
i wanted to go smoke pot, so i told my mom i was getting tutored. she asked what time i would be back, i told her learning doesn't have a curfew
We just had the worst moment of our late twenties.... We just realized we are too old for the real world
This guy just walked into class and first thing he did was grab the garbage can, walk to his desk and say "just in case"
Somebody found our where I was and called the bar looking for me. When the bartender called my name I finished my beer and took off like a fugitive.
I asked him how his night was and he sent me a picture of a bottle of Ciroc with a bendy straw...
July fourth my place, drunken bubble slip n slide. Yes this is happening and yes I am 31
She just shoved like three McNuggets in her mouth and started sobbing and I have no idea what's going on.
I have one of those hangovers where you visualize how awesome it would be to climb in your fridge and drink glacier water
So wait. Let me get this straight lol... you... are are considering offering fetish services to "trample and own" someone for $80 in order to pay for someone to come organize ur shit? Pure genius.
He told me how it ended, then I blew him.
So he ruined the best cinematic experience of your life and you REWARDED him??
I have just discovered the land of milk and honey. and by milk i mean vodka and by honey i mean tequila.
He only has one ball. it was like fucking a cyclops.
I once went to target high on hydrocodone. I assure you, they can handle unrespectable.
Randomize
