i'm like carrie bradshaw but prettier and with a penis
Found a phone last night. Hope "daddy" gets picture messages
Found a barbie with nipples. Life is complete.
just went trash diving in my work clothes for weed. A&E's intervention here i come.
just wokeup with my ethics textbook on my chest, animal crakers in my mouth and my dick in my hand. even aristotle doesn't have a theory for this one
Do you ever actually plan things? Or is it always drugs then whatever happens? I'm considering being worried about you
What am I supposed to say? "Hey remember last spring when I did an ergonomic assessment on your office, well here's an ergo for your dick."
Stories. There's stories.
MEGHAN YOU'VE BEEN THERE FOR 20 MINUTES
Did you pee in the oven last night??
so i just realized the reason you didn't answer my call last night is because the remote isn't a phone.
Smoking weed with a blind guy, don't worry he's chill.
Well obviously we have a ghost in the house who’s taking showers in your bathroom and doing our cocaine.
You sent me a very drunk love letter
Was it the one about pterodactyls?
I was disappointed I thought you actually loved me
Umm I might be late. Also I am may or may not have mayonnaise on my ass
His butt is perfect. Like a twelve on a scale of one to ten. No idea about his personality or anything but that ass... I'm keeping him.
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