If you get a breast reduction, you have to let me see them before hand at least once. It's a rule.
i feel so shallow. people in iran are using twitter to write hardcore nathan hale shit about dying for freedom. my last tweet was "i hate the taco shits"
Sooo sorry about that. And crying. And comparing my life to a duck
I wonder what a non-hungover friday at work is like
Vodka and Eggs at 9:30AM = thank you, America.
I made my rape whistle into a roach clip device. FRESHMAN YEAR!
Define 'illegal'. Your idea of it and my idea are in separate universes.
can you blow me for old times sake
only for old times sake
the only good thing about breaking up with him while naked was that i got to make a forgetting sarah marshall reference
I understand that just don't try to seduce me while making frozen pizza again.
How much weight does it take to launch a cat using a trebuchet vs the tension required for a catapult?
Fyi, shaking your genitals at me doesn't count as "trying to have sex".
I was told today that I'm the ugliest bartender in the area, so, I guess I have that going for me.
"Here let me wipe my uterus off your dick" was probably the most unsexy thing said after period sex. I should get an award
Tonight I totally got eaten out in the old school photo booth in the mall. Will send you pics of the photo reel asap
Randomize
