what am i going to do when LOST is over? What am i going to get high to?
i know you like preteen girls so i'm gonna offer you some advice...dump a bucket of glitter on yourself and walk into the sunlight. they will come running.
should my break up email to my English professor be in MLA format?
she wouldn't play beer pong with me unless I took off the rollerskates.
I feel the need to send all my exes pictures of penises larger than theirs. Because they all must suffer.
constantly striving to make life awkward and more complicated, one drunk bone at a time.
Based on the time of Sean's "I'm on your street" phone call last night, we had sex for an hour and a half. Man, time flies when you're getting boned to an orgasmic death.
Overslept. So hungover. Apparently texting the first person in my contact list the time I would like to wake up is not how the alarm clock in my phone actually works.
Woke up with your brother in my bed...where do you want me to return him?
Can we just focus for a minute on the fact that I HAD MY FIRST LESBIAN ENCOUNTER.
Right. How rude of me to inform you that you're going to be an aunt.
If I'm going to risk life and limb to wear a Wings jersey to the Garden next week, the least they can do is win.
And the most would be ending up in bed with one of them.
So it's ironically funny that my psychiatrist's office and my cocaine dealer's house are on the same street
One sec I was having the time of my life, the next I was shitting water
Why did I wake up next to the fire pit? And who wrapped me up like a burrito?
Jägerbombs. Thank Sara.
one of my coworkers asked me if I was PMSing today...... excuse me sir, but it is none of your business as to what my uterus is or is not doing right now. fucker.
and yea, I'm PMSing.
Randomize
