He could be your dad!
We discussed that right before he asked for my number
I'd like to say he was whispering sweet nothings into my ear all night but really he was just whispering "pussyyy"
did anyone else see me puking into my coat sleeve?
I just found out my mom named me after her fake ID from college...
She greeted me with a new giants jersey and an opening day blowjob. this is true love.
It started out just like any other night: was watching a Zach Effron movie, drinking tequila out of a water bottle. I don't understand how this got out of hand.
"it's Wednesday" isn't a good enough excuse to take my debit card and use it for your own drunken needs. You owe me 250 bro
An outback commercial just played and I remembered that guy from Australia Imade out with at the Derby. Great Bachelorette Party, btw.
we played a my little pint drinking game. It was awesome.
think of it as grooming, as if he is my Kate Middleton and I'm grooming him to be a presentable princess
He just took a bite of each taco bell burrito and hid them throughout my apartment. this was 2 weeks ago and have found 30 burritos so far
Oh boom. You're officially Dr Phil. I need to have sex that I actually remember participating in.
I feel like the only way to get him to stop is by telling him i'm tired from fucking our other friend every night this week
You know the rule about how you feel bad for getting food and not offering other people you're around, does that apply when you eat burger king at a strip club?
What the fuck dude? Now it's a "who is this?" convo going back and forth. Like... helllloooo you just sent me a picture of your penis! I'm entitled to ask who the fuck it is. I can't verify an identity by a body part.
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