new low: just stole a ciggarette from a bum sleeping on the side of the street.
ohh what kind?
You need to stop texting me at SEVEN in the morning. It wakes my one night stands up and makes for the awkward talk way too early.
I woke up to 'call me' written in red lipstick on my chest. Thats the hottest/sluttiest thing ever. I win at LIFE!
high people should be assigned attendants
i think the date started going downhill when i mentioned how many therapists i have
No clues in my phone. Only dialed call: my own social security number. And that was before 10:00pm.
And I think short bridesmaids dresses are the best idea especially for bathroom sex
I'd recommend you leave that level of crazy to the experts. I'd start with an under appreciated soccer mom if I were you.
I made him fuck me with my coat zipped up and a unicorn mask on. That level of drunk sex. Weird and creepy yet highly satisfying.
Naked snow angels was a very bad idea. My vag is now frozen shut.
Just caught myself trying to make grilled cheese with the stove off. I think my dad knows I'm high.
I am getting off work an hour early just to watch you drink. Never let it be said that I don't love you.
drunk me always erases text conversations because she is a woman of mystery and does not like for me to know what's going on in her life
went to class still drunk this morning and my professor made the class give me a round of applause and said, "see people, THIS is inspirational... if she can make it to class in this condition there is no excuse not to show up!"
he's trapped himself under a bed and is screaming at a robot dog to give him a blowjob
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