Dear Mark, please dispose of your crusty mcdonalds napkins used to jerk it at my desk
discrete masterbation is a lost art
alcohol turns me into mario batali of easy mac
I just speedwalked down the broken metro escalator while high. Basically all my worst fears combined
How are you going to be there by 9am?
Relax I always go to these conferences hung over
You say that like it's a positive quality
Today I met the neighbor that shares my bedroom wall. When I pointed out my unit, he said, "Oh, that's you? Oh... that's you." I didn't think much of it until I was in bed tonight and I heard him clear his throat. He's. Heard. Everything.
He's just a really nice guy who stuck his tongue in the wrong place.
She kept talking about how amazing the banana she had yesterday was. Don't know if it was innuendo, stoned, or just a really amazing banana.
Having the sex-a-thon in the back yard led to some really odd tan lines.
Like handprints on my lower back...
I deleted my history right in front of my girlfriend w/out her seeing. Let's go skydiving with no parachutes. I can live thru anything.
The cop was yelling at you as you layed on the sidewalk and you wouldn't take him seriously cause you thought it was some dude in a cop costume.
This hobo said he can't buy alcohol bc he got in trouble bc a girl sat on his face when he was passed out and misaligned his spine and gave him Alzheimer's so Ali is buying him a bottle. This is Vegas.
When God was sprinkling self control to everybody, he ran out and was like ehhhh she'll make it!
We need to talk about your improper dealings with the town drug dealer.
Considering who their parents are, maybe you should use vodka for the baptism.
You told everyone to shut up then told the officer that you are 21 when you drink.
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