Dude, the girl next to me just farted. Worst part, it smells like astroglide
So I just saw a commercial for tickle me Elmo furry gloves. And I thought hmm I bet I could jerk off with those. Is that a sign of deepseated charachter issues?
did we hook up?
no, because you kept repeating "itty bitty titties" when i took off my shirt
dude we gotta go shopping. I made pancakes this afternoon and used them as sandwich bread.
It's true- you can buy beer at McDonald's in France. I'm not coming back to the States.
Have fun at school today. Try to hide that you're a whore. The other girls will like you better that way.
everything was going well until edgar threatened to handcuff the security guard to himself.
Almost made out with Amanda but I told her "I'm in a committed fake lesbian relationship with Laura. I can't."
I'm like a savant for remembering names I learned while I was drunk. Seriously, I'm three for three. I'm on a roll.
Red flag bro. Her only friends are barflys and a teen with a fake ID
Just went over my top ten highlight reel with that guy I'm fucking. It was like we were sports announcers. But about sex.
Your roommates will be treating you to many anecdotes about my intentions to have aggressive sex with you. I'm sorry in advance.
I don't even care that it's before church. I feel like God actually wants me to have this shower beer.
You left your hot dogs in my dresser again
I was so high I kept trying to flush the toilet with the light switch
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