Midget Michael Jackson impersonator dancing to Beat it in Penn Station almost caused me to miss my train. God, I
The chick I went home with last night had a happy trail
Biggest lesson I have learned in college: Drink if you are happy. Drink more if you aren't.
i hooked up with some kid with a broken arm and he wouldnt even let me sign his cast
How are YOU going to look? Buying 40's on Christmas eve.
I just wanted to give you a heads up. There's a crab in the kitchen. He doesn't have a name yet. We are just calling him crab for now. Oh! and we have memosas!
I'm stoned and just shared 4 cookies with this chicks dog
They're raisins though so they're healthy. No worries.
A blow job from a tiger shark would still entail less risk to your genitals than having sex with her.
there's fuck elsewhere to go, I'll be there with 8 lbs of bronzer on my tits
Hello. You don't know me, but word on the street is that we are now eskimo sisters. I feel like we should go out for coffee and compare experiences.
I have three different pairs of earrings at three different houses including your 16 year old brothers nightstand. Look at my life. Look at my choices
He found his first fuckbuddy I'm so proud I feel like making him a card or something
Me and you. The most fucked up people on the planet drinking together. Hell yeah
Just found $31 in my desk drawer. In $1's. WTF happened last night?!
I just put together something from IKEA so that’s mandatory oral for a week.
Randomize
