giving a blow job on a jetski isn't as easy as it sounds.
I hate when laundry day is determined by the number of cum stains on my bed
I don't care if you go out, because at the end of the night I know i'll be the one fucking you.
that was completely unnecessary, true, but unnecessary
Peed on my phone. Dried it out in oven. Technology is both a plus and a minus.
I woke up to my dog trying to clean my vagina.
Omg you had literally better be on fire, drowning, and being crucified all at the same time to be calling me at 7:30 in the goddamn morning.
SOS. HE HAS PASSED OUT AND IS LYING ON TOP OF ME. HE IS STILL INSIDE. HELP
you passed out while setting up your phones timer to time how long it would take before you to passed out.
after the fucking you spent twenty minutes vomiting naked and shaking your dick at my roommates. luckily, i don't remember that, or i'd have to be really insulted.
Hey, so I'm not coming into work til Friday. Some guy I've known for about 8 hours just offered me a free vacation to Maui and bought my plane ticket. He's Aussie so I'm 75% sure he won't murder me
I saw his new girlfriend. She was flashing people, short and kinda chubby. I was happy with my life after that.
What part of the grouping of the words "anal beads" confuses you?
I'm gonna go take a shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
Is it a bad thing when vodka doesn't taste like vodka anymore?
I know you want to take a pregnancy test, but could you wait until Sunday so it doesn't ruin our weekend
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