tod's in jail
he was afraid of holiday checkpoints so we let him ride my mom's tandem bike home. by himself. at 4 am.
I projectile vomited into my sink. Jealous?
Kind of. My puke would have just dribbled down my chin and missed the sink completely.
Ohh that happened after I started to cry.
turns out the guy i was dating because he was a cop was not actually a cop. i learned this as he got arrested by real cops.
im pretty sure one of the guys i was dancing with at graffiti wrote on my back "you rock". now feel like a danced with a 5 year old.
You better drive. If I decide to let them talk me into a 3-way, I don't want you to be stranded.
He looked down at his phone and screamed "I'M NOT A DAD!" and then bought the entire bar a round
I'm going to try to ignore the homoerotic subtext in that last question...
I'm ordering a French maid costume for my dog too. It's like a couples costume, except for losers with dogs.
Before we rave about the healing powers of your penis, remember it nearly killed me as well.
You wanna know how bad I feel? I couldn't get out of bed to get the remote, so I just downloaded the comcast app on my phone so I could change the channels
Tonight I celebrated marriage equality by letting a girl I don't know kiss me at the club.
Well the other day she asked me how often I jerk off. So I guess things are getting semi-serious
So that prostitue I banged at Steve's bachelor party just texted and invited me to a BBQ at her parents. Never again doubt the power of the cock piercing.
Slap a cop in the butt for a felony charge. Check.
saw a family tailgating a graduation with hard liquor... i'm assuming yours?
are you shitting me? they told me they'd at least wait until 10am
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